Working with Difficult People

We prefer to work with people that we like.  It is so much easier working together with people who are like us. They get us.  We think alike, we share the same values, we have similar personalities, maybe similar backgrounds.  Many times, we relate to people who are our same age, our same stage in life.  

However…  (a big sigh…)   

how do we work with difficult people?

We would much rather NOT work with difficult people.  We would prefer to stay as far away from them as we can.  We work around them.  Or, we battle with them.  Flight or Fight, Right??

Working with difficult people is kind of like playing ping pong with someone who isn’t very good.  I love ping pong and I play a lot, so I can hit the ball pretty hard over the net.  But when I play with someone who is still learning, it 

honestly… isn’t much fun.  I would prefer to play with someone who is a good player, because when I hit the ball hard to them, they return it with equal speed and power.  In the same way, it is much easier working with people who match our energy and our way of approaching life and work. 

Though we try to avoid working with difficult people at all costs, we all are faced with the reality that to achieve our goals at work, we must work with ALL people, including those that we see are difficult.

How to Work with Difficult People

Different, not Difficult

First, stop categorizing them as “difficult”, and understand that they are different.  Different from YOU.  The more different a person is from you, the more gap of understanding, of familiarity there is between you and them.  There is a greater gap between men and women, between younger and older, between black and white.  There is a huge gap between Republican Party and Democratic Party, (HUUUGGGGEEEE!!)  between outgoing personality and introverted personality.  We can perceive this gap as difficult because you do not have natural ways to connect.   You disagree in some areas, so you tend to disagree in ALL areas.  But re-classifying them from “Difficult” to simply “Different” will really reset your mind frame every time you see them.  Learn to value who they are, what they have been through in their journey.   Learn to appreciate their differences, to appreciate that they have a different approach to  their life and their work. 

Find Common Ground

With people that are like us, we naturally find common ground.  We like the same movies, the same political leader, we like to approach life the same way.  For me, personally, I am drawn to people who have a similar personality that I have - outgoing, ambitious, fast-paced, fun.  I naturally connect with people who are going in the same direction as I am.  People who are more introverted, more thoughtful and studied, even-paced and serious take more energy and intentionality for me to connect with.  However, I have learned that I NEED these type of people in my life.  I have learned to value them.  They help me measure the cost of my ambition.  They help me put systems in my life to be more productive.  They help me evaluate work and see a different perspective that helps me.

The key to working with people who you have no common ground with, is… to find some common ground.  When we see someone who is “opposite” of us, we think to ourselves “we have NOTHING IN COMMON.” But I would argue that we ALL have something in common.

Here’s how to find common ground:  ask people questions about their life until you find something that you have in common.

“where are you from""

“what is your favorite sports team?"

“What is your favorite restaurant?"

“where have you traveled?"

“what is your favorite tv show?"

“what touches your heart?"

Keep asking questions as you interact with them until you find something you have in common.  People love talking about themselves.  They feel valued when you ask them about their life.  When you finally discover the common ground - connect! 

“you are from Chicago??  My wife and I were married in Chicago!!"

See? now you have a connection! You can build on that connection…very quickly.  Once you find common ground with someone, you immediately create familiarity with them.  You immediately create a foundation of trust with them.  You will find they will begin to work with you.  They will begin to try to help you accomplish what you need.  It’s amazing!

The truth is you rarely get to choose who you work with.  You need people in order to be successful in your job.  Rather than avoid difficult people, see them as just different.  Value who they are and what they can bring to the table.  Be intentional to build common ground with them, and they will begin helping you accomplish your objectives at work.  

See people as an ASSETT

 not an ENEMY

Bigger

I want my business to grow bigger.  I want my finances to grow bigger.  I want my influence to grow bigger.

Bigger opportunities.  Bigger audience.  Bigger numbers.  

Nothing wrong with that.  Bigger means better.  Bigger shows healthy growth, shows that you are successful. I believe in success, in healthy growth.  

Here’s the miss in our focus however…    we focus on making the business bigger, we focus on searching out the bigger opportunities. 

I am learning in my own journey that I rather focus first on making myself, well, bigger.  

The best thing I can do in order to grow my business, my finances, my influence is to improve myself.  Before I can handle more, I must build myself.  

Think about it…  what really can you do TODAY to bring in more clients, to promote your product? what can you do to gain more influence TODAY?  

While there are plenty of ideas and tasks you need to work on, one of the BEST investments of your time is to block out schedule to work on YOURSELF. 

Get healthy - eat healthier, get exercise, and SLEEP!  Being healthy IS your job.

Get coached - get feedback and coaching from people you respect.

Get filled up - emotionally, spiritually, socially - spend time feeding yourself through solitude, prayer, with good friends and your family.

Get wiser - read books, watch videos in your field to learn.

Get sharper - practice what you do working to improve.

The healthier you are, the more energy you have and the better you look.

The happier you are, the easier you are to be around.

The wiser you are, the better decisions you will make.

The sharper you are, the more effective you will be.

Make it your job to become bigger, better.  Schedule time to work on YOU.  

When you become bigger, you will soon be able to handle bigger.  When you expand your foundation, you can handle the growth that comes.

How To Motivate Your Team: People are not machines

Unspoken Words: People are not machines: People are not machines   When I want my computer to do a function, I type in the command and then press enter. Sometimes, instead of ...

People are not machines

People are not machines

 When I want my computer to do a function, I type in the command and then press enter. Sometimes, instead of the computer executing what I asked it to do, I get a spinning wheel. As I start to investigate why the hold up, I see that Microsoft Word is stuck. I see that there is a security program running in the background. I see that Safari is loading a flash player. The computer is starting to run an update. It's not the computers fault. The computer is having to manage many other functions. Some programs are keeping the computer stuck.

This is the same way when we deal with people in our organization. We have a meeting with our team and we share our plan. We give clear directives, and we end the meeting with "let's get to work."A couple days later, we find that people aren't necessarily working the way we want them to.  For some reason, the team is not moving forward in unity, in purpose.  Why not? How could this be?? As the leader, we took the time to send out a clear e-mail.  We had the staff meeting and explained the plan in detail.  We even asked the team at the end of the meeting “are there any questions.” I mean…we gave them an opportunity to speak up… and no one did.  That must mean that everyone understands the plan and is ready to work.   Right??

Once you have led people to work together toward a goal or a project, you soon experience this challenge - that..

PEOPLE ARE NOT MACHINES

They do not just snap to and follow orders immediately with enthusiasm.  They rarely simply buy in to the assignment you dictate with no questions, no ideas.  People are less like a computer where you press enter; they are more like trying to herd cats.

Yet, people are so much better than any machine or computer.  People have so much more to offer than even the best Apple Machine out on the market today.  While a powerful Apple computer can execute multiple tasks at lightning speed, it cannot bring passion, commitment, problem solving, and initiative like a person can.  An Apple computer cannot grow and expand it’s knowledge like a person can.  A machine cannot build relationship with people and influence others to join their cause.  

Though working with a team of people is challenging, learning to lead them effectively is really worth it.  Don’t give up.

Here are a few principles I have learned to motivate people on my team to work enthusiastically toward the goal:

Relationship

You must build an authentic relationship with each person.  You must earn trust and respect.  You must demonstrate real love and concern for each person as an INDIVIDUAL.  People are not just “on your team.”  They are an INDIVIDUAL with unique personalities, dreams, gifts, backgrounds.  If you acknowledge WHO THEY ARE, you show them honor.  Make a point every couple of weeks to invest in to the relationships of those who work on your team - one on one, individually.  Create meaningful moments of listening, expressing, honoring.  Everything of value is built from a foundation of relationship.

Buy In

People tend to support what they help to create.  Memorize this phrase and internalize it.  It will change the way you present tasks and goals to your team.  Todd Mullins, my Pastor at Christ Fellowship Church in South Florida says that he will bring his ideas to the team “half-baked.”  While he already knows where he wants to lead the team, he intentionally introduces the idea not fully formed.  He starts the conversation with questions, activating people’s minds.  He asks for ideas and input.  Pastor Todd then masterfully guides the conversation toward action steps, empowering the team in the room to own pieces of it.  Another great principle Todd lives by is “Great Leaders make room for other Leaders to Lead.”  In every task, in every project, Todd does not just take all of the leadership.  He shapes the project so that many great people can take part in contributing their gifts, their unique shape to the project.  The end result is that the project is bigger, more colorful and the success is more expanded.  Why? Because the Leader planned the extra steps to include his team in the project where they felt part of the creative process on the front end.

Coaching

Even if you do the first two principles of 1. Coaching and 2. Buy in, people may still get stuck, like the spinning wheel on your computer.  Because people are flawed and temperamental, they can often struggle in accomplishing their work.  Their ability to overcome obstacles or challenges is limited to their emotional capacity and their skill level.  People need encouragement, motivation, and guidance.  As a Leader, you must understand that to motivate your team toward the goal, you must personalize the goal for each individual.  Tom Mullins, Founding Pastor of Christ Fellowship Church formerly was a successful Football Coach and would always say “No one wants a Boss, but everyone wants a Coach.” While a Coach needs to be firm and demanding at times, a team member can take pushing and challenging from a Coach because they know the Coach wants the best FOR THEM.  Team members understand instinctively that their Boss primarily is interested in getting the job done.  Coaches focus on performance of the team.  Bosses focus on performance of the tasks.  If the team is performing well, the tasks will eventually get accomplished.

The key to getting your team to accomplish the goals, to own the responsibility of the tasks is PATIENCE.  Spend time building relationships with your INDIVIDUALS, create buy in by making room for your team to create and lead, and coach your team to be their personal best.  I promise you will see enthusiasm in your people that will produce momentum toward your shared goal and tasks!

Lead Meetings with Questions

How many of you like to go to meetings at work?

How many of you would rather be at a sports game of your favorite team? Or at an awesome movie?

Do you lead meetings at your place of work? If so, how exciting are they? Do people want to come to them? Are people engaged in your conversation?

I lead meetings in my work many times throughout the week.  I used to be really, really, …I mean REALLY bad at leading meetings.  When I first started leading my team through a weekly meeting, no one would talk …..    but me.  I handed out a detailed agenda to everyone, only for them to place it on the chair next to them.  My meetings were so lame that I had to eventually ask the team to not use their cell phones or their laptops during the meeting so that they would pay attention to me! ugh!!

One great skill I have learned in making my meetings more exciting and more impactful for my team is that I Lead my Meetings with Questions.  

Lead Meetings with Questions

I love the game show Whose Line is it Anyway?  One of the games they play is that they have to act out a scene but can only use questions.  The game becomes crazy when a person has to answer a question with another question!

Questions are powerful.  They use the power of suggestion.  They INFLUENCE the conversation.  

Not just any question can influence the conversation though.  “What did you say?”  “What page did you say we are on?” Those are “Bonehead” questions.  Pay Attention!  😃

INTENTIONAL Questions are great conversation-starters.  A well-formed, well thought-out question posed at the right time in a meeting sparks thought.  It activates people’s minds.

When you ask a great question, you activate their mind

I found that when I would EXPLAIN a topic that needed to be discussed or decided on, people checked out; after all, people’s attention spans are very short.

However, when I would introduce a topic and then pause… and ask a really good question…and then pause…. give space for quiet…  I noticed a different reaction….

I noticed that everyone in the room was thinking.  Everyone was pondering.  You can tell by their eye movement.  Some look up.  Some look down.  It’s amazing!

If I don’t get a response after a while, then I ask    Another Question,      a more specific Question.  

Frame the question in a different way.   Now,   they start thinking again.    Then, someone will speak up, but someone else will question their statement.  Then, yet another disagrees.  The first person defends what they said and explains their thought process.  Others sit quietly observing the interaction.  The most talkative person at the table goes in to a long dissertation full with detail to support his or her claims.  If the conversation gets too far off focus, then I will re-direct the conversation.  But…. wallah!! They are engaged in the conversation! Mission accomplished.

Asking questions does not mean that you let others hi-jack the meeting. 

As the Leader, you steer the meeting, you keep your hands on the wheel.  To do this, you need to know where you are taking them - you are the Navigator.  Map out what outcome you want from the meeting.  This takes thought and preparation to prioritize what projects you want to take on, what your team’s focus needs to be, what needs to be side-lined.  

To plan out my meetings, I use the power of questions to help me as well.  Many of us don’t allow enough time to plan for a meeting or for an event we are asked to speak at.  We are guilty of just working from last week’s meeting agenda, or last week’s speech.  Rather, put the time in to prepare by asking:

What would be fresh for the team?

What is fun for the team? What will activate them? Catch their attention? Make them laugh?

What is a story I could ask someone to share that will illustrate for the team why we do what we do?

What would my boss want me to dream about with the team to expand our reach? What challenge would he or she want me to tackle head on?

What is a new skill or new idea that I could introduce to the team to get us “un-stuck”, to get re-invigorated?

Here are some other great questions:

Why can’t we try this?

If failure were not a possibility, what would we believe for? Dream to achieve?

Who else can do this task?

What is the wisest thing to do?

Have we asked for feedback from those people around us? What are they saying? What are they feeling?

Questions can go on forever.  But, I find them as powerful activators in meetings with your team.  

Questions allow people to consider other possibilities

Questions allow people to deal with their emotional responses

Questions help people solve problems in creative ways

So, my question for you is….   

why aren’t you using questions in your meetings??

How to Recruit

So you hear a lot about leadership, about the characteristics of being a leader.  

But a leader needs a team around him.  He must get great people to join his cause in order to accomplish his dream.  

How do you do that, you ask? I know, there isn’t a lot out there to show you how to actually GET your team.  I want to help you with the HOW on effectively recruiting great people to be a part of your team.  

First, let me tell you what DOES NOT WORK in recruiting people:

Sign ups

We think we can catch a lot of people by simply putting a sign up table and a sign up sheet near the entrance.  But sign up sheets and a person “manning the table” does not inspire people to enlist.  And even if a few do sign up, they often are not the RIGHT PEOPLE.

Making an announcement

People are not drawn by your information, they are compelled by your inspiration.  So, if you do ever get the privilege to share from a platform to many people, attach vision and enthusiasm to your appeal for people to serve.  Keep it short and to the point.  Focus 80% of your talk on the WHY and 20% on the WHAT and WHEN.  With this being said, I see even the greatest vision casters give a compelling, inspiring appeal for people to join their team from platform, but they still have very few, if any join.  They have videos and pictures and stories…they share with great conviction.  People laugh, and cry and are moved…but walk right out the door without enlisting to the vision!

Recruiting

The best leaders are not afraid to go up and personally recruit people to be on their team.  But even this can be ineffective and frustrating.  Why are they getting so many “NO’s?”  It reminds me of the funny commercial of the guy calling his friends to help him move to his new house, but his friends give him excuses:

“I’m all tied up"

“I’m buried in work"

People are not interested in doing more work - for you! 

Now, let me tell you what DOES WORK in recruiting people:

Think of recruiting people on your team as a 7 layer process.  Just like there are many layers to an onion, I am suggesting that there are several layers to effectively recruiting great people to your team.  I have identified 7 layers:

1. Introduce - before you even think about recruiting anybody, you must first start with the introduction.  Learn their name.  Let them know who you are.  Ask simple questions to find out who they are.  Don’t talk much about yourself and, for sure, don’t even think about recruiting them.  Don’t even share about you vision.  You show great value in people when you take time to know their name and their family.  Meet the person first.

2. Connect - in your second interaction (maybe the second week) ask more questions.  Again, it’s about the person, not about you.  Ask questions to find something that you have in common with them.  One rule of building a great team is to recruit people who are different than you - they think different, have different personality, have different skills and background. Connecting with someone who is different than you is a major challenge. The key is to keep asking questions about them until you find common ground.  Example: “where are you from? you grew up in West Virginia?? Wow! I love West Virginia!! I have been on vacation there with my family the past 4 years!!”  This is a great technique in connecting with people.   When you find a common ground with people, you have just opened a door to access to their life.

3. Build Relationship - as the days and weeks move on, find ways to build on the relationship you have started.  Show up to events that are important to them - a graduation, a funeral, a sporting event.  Another way to build the relationship is what I call POWER PLAY.  Find an opportunity to play together with them.  Basketball, checkers, cards, video games, etc.  For me, I love inviting people to play ping pong with me.  I create an atmosphere of competition.  People LOVE competition.  I use ping pong as my POWER PLAY to build great relationships.

4. Show the Need - I bet you can’t believe that you have to first do #1,#2, and #3 before doing #4!! If you have taken time to be intentional, now you can share your vision from the platform.  Your platform may be on a stage as a public speaker.  It may be Social Media.  It may be in a car with a group of people driving somewhere.  The key to sharing your vision is to first show the need.  Help them first see the problem, the conflict.  Great vision casters don’t tell people “we are going to build a childrens home”.  They first start with “my heart is burdened for our community where there are children who have parents that are addicted to drugs.  How are these kids going to grow up without healthy parents to teach them, love them, provide for them?” When you ask good questions, you activate people’s minds to contemplate the problem and be a part of the solution.  What you really want people saying to you is “you know, we need to do something to help these kids.”  Show the need … but don’t recruit just yet.

5. Affirm - somewhere through all of these steps, you need to affirm people.  Catch them doing good and call them out on it.  Brag on people.  Go up to them and call out their uniqueness and their gifts.  Be specific.  Don’t just compliment them, and don’t do it too much.  Pick the right moment and think of the right thing to say.  Leaders care more about the person than they do the task.  Speak in to their life. This fills their tank.  Call out the best in them and show them their potential for more.

6. Invite - now comes the recruiting part…although I prefer the term INVITE.  “Recruiting” feels like we are drafting people to go to war.  Invite feels like we are letting people come to our fun party.  BTW - make your vision feel like a party.   No one wants to work, everyone wants a party - fun.  Of course, a great vision takes great work.  

But you can create a culture of fun, party, relationship, competition.  You can make a landscaping job feel like a party.  You can make building a church in Haiti feel like a fun competition.  You can make preparing for an event be lots of fun.  So, invite the person personally to your vision.  Make the invitation specific.  Tell them what you need them to do, to own.  Tell them the time you want them to show up, how long it will take.  And make sure to tell them how much fun it will be and how awesome it will be to accomplish the vision!


7. Close the Deal - …and you thought it was done with the #6 Invite 😃 no sir.  Maybe it is my aggressive, forward personality, but I like to close the deal, right then and there.  Don’t just stop with the Invitation.  Set the challenge and ask for the answer.  “Can I count on you?” “are you ready to step in this week?”.  Don’t be discouraged if some are not ready just yet.  Some people need to process a decision more than others.  Many times, these people are the RIGHT PEOPLE.  They are more committed.  Others will respond positively right in the moment - they are great too.  The point is that you need to bring the challenge to them.  People need to be challenged…even if at first they are taken back.  Later on, they will really appreciate being called up to step up.  

Recruiting is tough work.  It takes skill, timing, and a huge investment of your energy.  Don’t think you can just make an announcement and ask people to stop by your information table on their way out to lunch and expect to build a great team of passionate, skilled people.

Think like a hunter, not a gardener.

Get after it - go seek out the people you want, that you need to make a great team! They are out there.  Work dilligently and patiently through the 7 layer process to build a connection with these people and you will have a winning team!

---

The Power of Music

The Lord showed me how important music is for me, in particular.  While on a short vacation away from work and routine, I had a morning to do exactly what I wanted.  I was enjoying family, working outside (which relaxes me), reading, praying, resting.  I had some beautiful piano music and I was so calm and happy and peaceful.  

God showed me how music is one the best ways to get me to slow down and pay attention.  Because I am musical, my ear is in tune to every note, every rise and fall, every emotion and nuance that the music plays.  I listen for the timbre of the instrument, how the instrument is miced, what the size and features of the room are where the recording took place.  I can imagine the musician playing the instrument with every note and phrase performed.  I can actually imagine the TYPE of personality of the person playing the instrument.  Isn’t that weird? Don’t believe me??  I can.  I have studied music all of my life.  I love music.  

I have been studying different personality types recently.  I am intrigued with people, just like I am with music.  I love to study people.  What makes them do what they do? Feel what they feel? Believe what they believe?  

Of course, in my study of people, I have really studied my personality type: my design, my gifts, my faults, my tendencies.  

God showed me through study that I tend to be driven, anxious, busy, push hard.  I tend to move to the next project or thing.  I have to be more intentional to stop and pause and reflect - to live in the moment and enjoy life.The Lord showed me how important music is for me, in particular.  While on a short vacation away from work and routine, I had a morning to do exactly what I wanted.  I was enjoying family, working outside (which relaxes me), reading, praying, resting.  I had some beautiful piano music and I was so calm and happy and peaceful.  

You cannot tell music how to make you feel - you cannot dictate the journey it takes you on.  The music commands you, it stops you, it leads you, it challenges you.  You cannot speak back to music - it is speaking and you must listen. 

Another interesting antecdote that music has helped me with is my speech.  As a young man, my motor skills were not the best.  I had a mild stuttering problem.  It usually revealed itself when I was either tired, excited or anxious.  It was embarrassing.  I discovered that when I sang music that I did not stutter.  Music forced me to talk according to the rhythm that the music set for me.  It took all of the pressure and anxiety of talking.  In my teenage years, I did A LOT of singing!  I put “2 and 2 together” and realized that I could use the beat of music to say a phrase, it would come out much more clearly.  So, as I was with a group of friends and wanted to say something, I would first think through what I wanted to say, then would create a song in my head with that one phrase, practice it in my head.  Then, when I had an opportunity to speak, I would say the words just like the song in my head.  It REALLY helped me!

Do you struggle with anxiety? With fast pace? Can’t turn off your busy mind? On to the next thing?  Use beautiful music as your secret solution.  Sing along to it.  Hum to it.  Sit and listen to it.  Invest some of your $$ in some great music and find peace and clarity.  Let music slow your pace for a slower, happier life.