Everybody wants something. Every one of us have desires. We want to get somewhere in our life, we want to progress and reach the level of success that we are hoping for.
However, most of us spend a lot of time talking and interacting with others, but after the exchange we find ourselves no further along toward reaching our goal.
I want to share something I have learned that has really helped me in my pursuits and my objectives. In every conversation I have, In every interaction I am faced with, in every meeting I am a part of, I always prepare ahead of time by first answering this question:
What do I want?
I first take time to stop and force myself to work through these issues:
What is it I really want out of the interaction with this person?
What is a reasonable expectation to hope for out of the conversation?
What do I hope to accomplish out of this meeting?
I’m talking about making every interaction INTENTIONAL.
Most of us go in to interactions with people with our most primal desire to be heard, to be understood. We FEEL BETTER when we have shared our heart. If we have conflict with the other person, or if the other person has hurt us, we start from a place of emotion and prejudice of how the person makes us feel. We are too close to the situation that we cannot see objectively beyond the hurt to see the path to progress ahead.
I see this in team meetings as well. A lot of people share what they see, what they experience. Others share big ideas and talk about what they used to do in their previous organization. Most share their frustrations or challenges they are dealing with. Others who are task-oriented tend to rush the conversation by just getting the specifics of the upcoming event or task that they feel responsible for. They want to know how many shirts to order, which songs are picked, what time to show up.
All of these feelings and all of these tendencies are not bad - at all. They are natural, they are healthy to share and to express. To ignore these and just cut to the chase in every interaction would be denying people the opportunity to connect and to relate in a healthy way. By all means, there is a time and place where people should be able to share their feelings, experiences, and acquire key information.
My point is to make sure to not miss the MOST IMPORTANT reason for the meeting - that is, to not leave the interaction with the person or leave the meeting with the team without the desired outcome.
I have learned this when I have had to meet with a difficult person about something that wasn’t going right, or was stuck. I found myself frustrated with them. And because I am a more outspoken person, I could easily give them a piece of my mind. I could easily make them feel my pain in the situation. However, this wisdom-skill of restraint, discernment and intentionality forced me to ask myself before the meeting:
What do I want from this?
What is the favorable Outcome?
Asking this forced me to be strategic in how I directed the conversation. To get what I wanted, I had to help them get what THEY wanted. We call this a WIN - WIN.
For someone that has hurt me or offended me, my reaction is to maybe hurt them back, or to be defensive and close up myself emotionally. But when I realize what I really want is healing in the relationship and health moving forward, I go in to the conversation with tenderness, with a desire to first listen to them, and to share my feelings of what is important to me. I surround everything I say with honor, love, affirming, believing the best about them, while clarifying the hurt or the offense, so I ensure that it won’t continue happening.
When I lead a meeting with a team, I state at the beginning what the purpose and what the desired outcome is. I clarify the time duration of the meeting and I always start with a brief coaching on the proper mindset we all need to have as we begin sharing and discussing. And while I allow for plenty of sharing, brainstorming and even fun, I constantly bring re-focus to the conversation. I rarely do this in a harsh, directive way. Rather, my style is to ask a leading question, either to the group, or to call someone out to ask their opinion.
Expectations
In all of these scenarios mentioned, one thing to define and to declare is your expectation. And when you say it, say it clearly, and slowly. You may need to say it a few times in the conversation, both at the beginning and then repeated towards the conclusion. Most of the time, I also give it in writing in the meeting. To do this, I first have had to first take time to really think “What do I want? What is truly important?” If you are realistic, and if you understand that people are a work in progress, then you reduce some of your ideas and dreams down to what is achievable and reachable for this person or this team. In dealing with a difficult or hurtful person, you realize you may not be best buddies, but how can you understand eachother so as not to push eachother’s hot buttons. For a team, how can you challenge them to stretch to great things, but break down the big goal in to bite-size, incremental steps.
Action Steps
Sharing Expectations clarify the focus of the mission. Assigning action steps give legs so that the mission can get moving. Give assignments to both you and your people as you come out of the conversation. And then commit to a written deadline that you will personally follow up on. This brings accountability to all parties. When you set action steps, you give more credibility to what you have shared or advocated for by acting on what you are saying - and…to what they were advocating for. Too many of us are all talk, but not much walk. And we wonder why our voice is not heard. I have learned that if I want a voice at the table, I first must BRING SOMETHING to the table. I hate to use this analogy….but it’s kind of like going to a Poker Table in Las Vegas and sitting down asking for cards to join in on the game. The dealer is going to stare at you and say “place your bets.” If you want to play, you have first got to pay.
Intentionality
To get where you want to go, you have do what is necessary to get there. Resist your need to always be heard, to be understood. Restrain yourself from trying to “win” every argument or control the conversation or meeting. Rather, always keep focused on your intended outcome. Only say things that help people move toward that outcome. Intentionality uses more of positive affirming and less of negative conflict. Intentionality paints a picture of how great the future can be when we work together, not rehearsing the hurt or the failures over and over. Intentionality asks more questions allowing space for other people to actually figure it out for themselves, rather than spelling it all out for them. To be intentional in your meeting, you carefully select every word and choose the right time when to speak it. Some of the most successful meetings I have been in is when I said very little. I let people get all of their feelings and ideas out, and then concluded with:
- Affirming their feelngs and ideas
- Re-focusing the conversation on the shared goal
- Stating Expectations
- Making Assignments
- Asking one or two leading questions to spark their creativity on how they can accomplish those assignments to meet the expectations
In every interaction you walk in to, take time to decide what your desired outcome is. It must be a WIN - WIN for you and the other person. Say things that help you both move forward toward the shared goal.
Know What You Want
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